Kat Von D...say what?

So I couldnt even keep going for one day. Real commitment I have. But Im trying to get all this work done for school and staying up late every night and blog posting is not helping. So yesterday was my 2 year anniversary and I didnt get to see my boyfriend :(. I can not believe it has been two years already that is insane.
So I have been reading the Kat Von D Book. High Voltage Tattoo. It is amazing. I love every word she writes it amazes me. I love reading about her life and people she finds inspiring since i find her so inspiring. I already have 2 posters of her on my walls. i want to get the seasons of her show on dvd but have no cash flow. i cant wait to get her second book either. She just is an inspiration in the fact that she started doing what she loved at 14. 14 years old and she just kept with it and  never has been classically trained. Thats who i want to be. No not a tattoo artist but a photographer . I want to take pictures i want to make it my life. I want to be the one who captures everything in its beauty or pain. I want it! I have no clue how to achieve this at all but i want to do it. i want people to see my work in a museum or on the cover of a book. i want people to remember there wedding day and say these pictures were amazingly done. But it is all a pipe dream. Well i have to get to homework.

"Music is the wine which inspires one to generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunken."

- Ludwig Van Beethoven

Pray for Me- Sixx AM

Idk What this face is but yeah. 

Bye

Back and ready for action (maybe)

So looks like I havent posted since I dyed my hair. Wow almost 3 months ago. As an update about my hair. I love it now and wouldnt change it back. Though my hair didnt change anything about m life like I wanted it to.
Anywho Ive been secretly struggling with alot lately. More than anyone knows. I havent been able to tell anyone the way i feel anymore because no one understands. Everyone has an opionon. Alot of old things have been brought back up in my life. And between me and you I wish they would all end. Seriously cant I have a good year. Haha I guess not. Everything piled on me in the last few weeks. tables of contents verion of my story....1. Unit Plan .....2. Anthony......3.Joel.......4.The dilemma over if i actually like someone or if I just think maybe hell treat me better and get attached......5. My weight as always.....6. my mom......7.Gary...........8.My photography....9. Ashley. These are in no specific order at all. My life has never been a smooth walk but it was never this rocky. These rocks are starting to get sharp and pointy and being to hurt. To the point were I break down and cry in the shower everyday because I cant cry normally because people would think I was weak.

But now that I have elimanated number 1. 82 pages later and sucessfully I think , 2. becuase that ended before it started even though I still think about him all the time. 4. has kinda of been solved.

The rest Im dealing with the punches as they come. I dont want to get into detail now about them because each one hurts and will take a long time to write out. At a later time all of these will probably come out again anyways and I will tell you the stories.

So on a better note i want to set new goals for myself again since I achieved none of my goals from time. First goal is to loose weight, always my number one goal and never happens, I need an exercise buddy to help me burn this fat off. But my goal is to loose 25lbs before june. I would like to get a new tattoo on hip bone or maybe on my neck havent decided yet. But if I get it on my hip i need to loose mega weight.

My second goal is to read. i use to read all the time now that Im in school I obsessively watch gilmore girls. Im making a small goal to read ten pages a day. Ten pages is nothing, it will take ten minutes and Im going to keep track on her how much I do actually read.

My third goal is crochetting. I started a blanket over the summer and have not really worked much on it since I got back to school and really should. So my goal is get 5 lines done a week. Might not seem like a lot but it takes an hour to do one line because this blanket is mega huge.

My fourth goal is take more pictures. I dont care if I take a picture of the same thing everyday. I have to get more pictures done. I hate this lack of in touchness I have lately with my photography, it sucks. My goal is 7 pictures a week. They dont have to be good. But I have to have seven pictures. One from everyday is ideal but im not gonna get picky and they cannot be pictures of me. They can be of my friends of my room of the road anything just not of me. unless its an artistic picture of me. These 7 pictures will be put on my project 365 blog. Which I have to overhaul and start over.

So since Ive been gone a while a new picture of me is fitting.

The song for today is really just a song thats stuck in my head and my relate to my relationship status slightly.

Hate how much I love you _ Ne-yo and Rihanna

I hate everything about you- Three Days Grace

Well peace out until tomorrow hopefully.

Sam a lama ding dong.

Changes

Changes.

Webster describes Change as to make something in particular different or to make something radically different. Lately I feel my life is going through radical changes, I guess it is. With school beginning again. I feel the separations between me and Joel again. I feel the lost connections. I really hate these feelings. What am I suppose to do? Im so lost and wondering if this change in pace needs to change or if I should wait this out.

So I dyed my hair. I changed my physical appearance. my hair my crowning jewel is gone. I lost me. I want to be someone different. Someone stronger. Someone with a strong sence of self. I don't want to be walked all over anymore. I don't want to have to deal with being treated like crap. Like Im not needed. Some people treat me well and I am so thankful for the people who do treat me right.

Rawr...Its been awhile.....

 Basically have been very bored lately. Nothing really going on since me and Joels went out for our birthdays. He did lie to me about something but I caught him in it and we talked about it and its ok now. I really wish the jealous side of me would go away. I wish it would revert and become something else. But whatever.

Tomorrow were going to Avatar which should be a nice start to the day. Atleast I hope so. Life seems to help us get better and then it changes and we get thrown into his bad funk again. wtf . I guess its the ability for us to work it out that matters.

Wow this is really short but I dont have much to say.

 

Stay Away

- The Honorary Title

(Enter your title here)

So lately Ive been really into watching One Tree Hill. Now I know how lame that must sound but I like the show. If you've ever seen it then you know Peyton Sawyer is obsessed with music. As I would like to say I am. But I know that Im not even close to the amount of music I want to know. So I have added a new goal to my list. I want to be able to say that music changed my life this summer. I want to discover more. I know with my project 365 blog that Ive kind of already doing this but I want to learn more than one song a day. I want to feel like I have a personal relationship with my music. I want to have a mood and be able to put on a song to match it.

So I have found two site to help me achieve this one is a list of 100 songs to save your life. This is something mention by peyton in and episode of One Tree Hill. The next is One Tree Hill Music. With these two sites it will help me to develop a broader spectrum of the music I listen to. One Tree Hill is known for the amount of music played and featured in it. And this playlist should help me discover music for my moods. Im hoping to make it through all 100 songs and through 2 episodes of music a day from OTH.

I do not have a prize set up for this goal because I think that just being able to music collection will will a prize in its self.


Other than Im not really feeling like anything today. Kinda pissed because I havent been getting called into work but watever. Im excited because in two weeks Im suppose to be going to see one of my friends for a week. That's majorly exciting.  I havent gotten to see her since school let out so it should be fun. And to see some other people who live around her form school that I miss also. It should be fun but that not for 2 weeks. Ugh

The problems me and Joel have been having have quieted down a bit but I wouldnt say there better. Weve discussed some stuff and fought a little bit. Weve kind of came to an understanding. It just all hurts alot. But I have to understand that hes 18 and he shouldnt be tied down to me just because I live with him. But he has to realize that I also not his slave Im his girlfriend and hes suppose to want to spend time with me. I feel like weve had this fight before. Weve had it over and over again. Everytime we come up with a solutionwe work on it for a few days and then it disappears again.


But anyways other than that not much to report I have read 630 pages so far which isnt that bad. This does not count the book I am currently reading. I dont see any physical sign of weight loss but Im working on it. I have been trying not to over eat. And my photography, well if you look at the other blog I went out two days ago and did another shoot that brings me to 3 so far this summer.

The Mixed Tape

Oh and i totally just noticed that on two of my blogs I posted the same song. So I have decided to post two songs today to make up for that.

Until The Day I Die

Updates Updates Updates.

So I am really bored right now. Im waiting so that I can go to the movies and out to dinner with my boyfriend our birthdays! Im really excited we never do anything just me and him. I mean technically this is only are second "date" the whole time we have been going out. I mean in a year and a half we should have went out more. I just want to spend time with him. I hate always having someone else around. SO anyways were going to see grown ups which looks like a really good movie and then to Applebees. I just wish the time would fly by so we could leave.


So on my goals. I read 70 more pages yesterday I am very close to 600 so far for the summer. I am currently reading Beautiful Dead by Eden Macguire if anyone cares. On my weight I went for a walk yesterday with my mom. And I have been trying to not eat all the junk food that I have been intaking lately. On my photography , I took like 3 good pictures yesterday. I do not know if I am considering that a shoot or not.

Todays seems to feel like its dragging on. Ive been sitting here for 15 minutes and it feels like ten years. I just want two hours to fly by but it wont because for once Im excited for something.  Alrighty well I havent eaten today so Im going to go get some food in me.

Kiss the Girl

June 23, 1991, I mean 2010

Today is my 19th birthday. Yay me. not. I worked today from 9-3 which wasnt bad it actually went pretty fast. Then I went to Starbucks and got a free drink. But now Im sitting at home alone because my boyfriend left. He told me hed be gone about a half hour maybe and hour tops to finish his work up. Its been two hours. I mean this is bullshit. I cant do much for my birthday in the first place because I have work at 8 tomorrow. but he could atleast be here, after he picked me up late from work. UGGGGGH.


Anyways I have decided to make some goals for myself. Thinking maybe if I actually post them on the internet I may follow them.

- Read 4,000 pages this summer. I have now read around 400 pages. Ill get an exact number when Im done with my current book.
             -I have no clue what a reward for this goal should be. I was thinking maybe buying some clothes. like one of these t shirts I really want but wont buy because there 36 dollars and I think thats insane for a t shirt.

-Next goal is to fit back into an 11 by the end of the summer. Ive gained alot of weight this summer and it really disappoints me. The way I eat in this house is horrendous. Now I know I said in one of my first postings I was going to eat better but I really need to now. I want to lose atleast 15-20 pounds by the end of the summer. So how am I going to do this well I will weight myself tonight and see how much I weight. I will not post how much I weight on the internet but I may post a picture.
                 -Then for every 5 lbs I lose I will post a picture of myself. I think for every 5 lbs I lose I may buy something little from hot topic, like jewelry or something. Now if I reach my goal I want to buy Kat Von D's new perfume and I will get new clothes. 

-My last goal is to have fun and do atleast 10 shoots this summer. I do not know with who or what, but I really want to do more. I have one completed so far. This goal includes my project 365's both my blog one and my actual account. I need to start posting pictures everyday whether there just photos of me or not.
                   - My goal for this is printing my pictures and making a portfolio with them so maybe I can find a job with them or just to have them nicely packaged.


So I have decided that these three things are very important to me this summer. They are all attainable goals this summer as long as I put in effort.  The hardest one will losing the weight. But I am sincerely going to try to lose it. I may slip and fall but I can always get myself back on track.

Always- Salvia 

This song has been stuck in my head all day!

Frustrated with these thoughts, now letting them build

I learned a very important lesson the other night. Im a jealous person. I hate it but I guess thats who I am. Im also a hypocrite. I feel bad for the things I said to him. I know that he would never cheat on me. but I feel like he doesnt care about me to spend time with me. But he will text these other girls. I know these girls and one lives forever away so I know thats not happening. But the other one he says is ugly and he would never like her as more than a friend and I believe him but everytime he gets a text from them hes texting them back right away. but I say I want to talk or speak to him and he forgets what I said 10 minutes later. I FEEL LIKE IM TALKING TO A WALL. or like Im talking to this blog. It funny how this blog is actually helping me relieve some of this now. I never thought Id be able to actually commit to it. But it has became my online journal of sorts.


Other than that I started my new job today its is slightly boring. I mean its not bad once I know the kids names and stuff it will get alot better but overall it wasnt bad at all.Long day for a girl who hasnt worked in forever and im now completely exhausted but Im dealing pretty well. They already gave me more hours for next week.Im excited about this job because its with children. I love to work with kids. I love to babysit, when I was younger I use to do it for free. Children are so fun to be around when you actually know what your doing with them. I think thats why I want to be a teacher.


Anyways click on my ads please! they make me money!

and check out my 365 blog , I think its getting interesting.  :)

Always - Saliva

peace

love 

and 

starbucks

-Sam

How I really feel

I feel like everytime we get close you pull away. I feel like everytime I have something to say you run. You never discuss anything. You leave me like I dont even matter. I dont get how this is far to me. I dont get why your always right and Im always wrong. I love you. I dont how else to say it. I LOVE YOU. you have my whole heart and nothing less. your everything to me. Think about it. I mean really think. I want nothing but you. But you have to want me to.You have want to be with me. You have to take me for who I am. Accept me. because I accept you. Your not the easiest person to get along with. Its not like you dont have baggage and things that I have to deal with for you. Someone would have left by now Im still here by your side. Im still here fighting for us. I still want us. But your not fighting anymore. What am I suppose to do when you stop fighting? AM I suppose to just give up. Thats not fair to me.  And as sit here crying knowing youll never read this, let alone the fact that no one will, I wonder if youll be in love with me the way I am with you. I love you more than anything never forget that.

Im going crazy....

So yesterday I went out with a friend and finally did some photography I havent done any in so long. I got some really nice shots of the hudson. It was amazing. Im never more happy then when my camera is in my hand. But it made me realize how much I really want a new camera. I really really would like to buy to a nice Nikon. I have a simple Cannon Powershot right now. Which isn't bad I mean, its good but the clarity of the pictures is never right. But I dont have 500 dollars to go and spend on a new camera. I need to buy other things and an expensive camera is not making the list. Its just so frustrating because I know I can be amazing but I need  a camera that can back my skills up. So anyways you can see the pictures I took either on my Facebook Fan Page or on My 365 blog.


Im really trying to just fit stuff in right now. I start work on Friday which is great but who knows how many hours Ill get.  Ugh I really just want to work so that I dont have to during school. But I really want to get this camera and external harddrive. I really want this stuff before I go to school. So I also applied to Price Chopper for a night job to get some extra money coming in and I hope I can make this all work and get the stuff I need for school but also the stuff I need for school. Im goign to have to work my butt off and not spend my money on anything childish or not in site of what I need.

I can never think of a title!

So I just got back from a weekend away from all the drama. Over all not a bad weekend. I went to Lake George for americade. Americade is also known as bike week. People from all over bring there motorcycles and drive in a big parade, its pretty cool. Unfortunately it was raining most of the weekend so my camera had to stay inside. I took a few regular photos but other than that the weekend was a bust photographically.

Today I have been up since 7 which is crazy for me. Ive been cleaning and doing laundry for most of that time. But have sat down and Im trying to find new music. Im listening to a few suggestions and so far Im not disappointed. Since I love music.

I had a job interview last week and that went well now I have to get a physical so I can start my new job. Im going to be working at a daycare as a substitute. So its basically when they need me. I also applied for a night job at Price Chopper. I know not so glamorous but Im thinking what happens if I get no hours during a week at the daycare, then I have made no money and I am in desperate need of money. So a few nights a week at Pc would not hurt.

So today though I have started a 365 project. Where you post one picture from each day for 365 days and it makes a photobook of sorts for the year. Its really a interesting idea but I took it one step forward and made a 365 blog. Where I post a picture, a quote, and a song(discovered that day). All pertaining to that day. I think this will make a creative blend of my year and really when I look back on it will show me.
 So other than all this Im really trying to post more often but I do not want to bore my readers( not like I have any).

Love will tear us apart - Joy Division

BLAHHHH

So I haven't posted in awhile. I have a job interview tomorrow which should be exciting. I really would like to get this job.I really need the money. Plus Im tired of sitting on my ass. I need to be doing something. I need to be motivated. Ive basically sat on my ass for the past month and that needs to change.


Other than that life has calmed down a little bit. Im not so spazzy anymore. I still cannot look at or talk to my boyfriends parents. I really hate living like this. I feel like Im always hiding. It is not fun. I feel really worn out and used most of the time. Im not sleeping at night anymore and it really sucks because I need to sleep at night. I have no clue how my interview is going to go if Im dead asleep. Hopefully tomorrow will help me get my normal sleeping pattern back. Im just kind of sick of not sleeping and then I sleep the whole day away and am up all night. No fun.

Well I guess this is all for now.

As for a song ummm here......Walkie Talkie man

Insomnia

I have no clue why I am awake right now. This weekend between friday to know I have gotten 5 hours of sleep and have more than enough time to sleep for more than that I just cant sleep. It sucks. I really really would like to sleep. Not happening.

Ive been trying to figure out how Im going to spend this summer. Im trying to get a job but my mom is a let down as always. I mean jeez women do what you say your going to for once. I get it youve had it hard but I mean ugh. You wonder why Im never around.

As for the other situation Joel  basically has decided that if I have to leave then hes leaving to and theyll never let that happen so this week is going to be nice and stressful.

SO basically right now Im trying to write again. I use to write little stories all the time in high school. I have never actually finished anything but hey Ill give it a try again I guess. I mean what else is there to do at 5 am when you can not sleep.

Short sweet and to the point, basically whats happening right now with me. A few sentences, a few words, nothing much to really explore. I have not decided if I am going to post my story online yet or what I will do with it but Ill post something about it when I decide hopefully I can focus.

Me and Joel just hanging out yesterday. Dont judge me I have no make up on. Even with that love this picture and him!

The song for this morning is a celebration for him over coming so many medical problems recently and winning the apprentice. I will forever be a die hard poison fan! My mom always says I was born in the wrong decade.

Nothing But A Good Time

Fuck this shit!

So Ive always tried to be a good person. Ya know and do the right thing. I dont get how Im the one always getting screwed over by people then? I found out yesterday that Im being kicked out of where I live. I have no clue why this would happen. Since I got home from school Ive done nothing but help out around the house and Ive been keeping it pretty damn clean at that. I do all of the laundry, I mean come on what the hell am I doing wrong. You really are kicking me out because YOU ruined my shirt when we told you not to do the laundry. Do you understand that I do the laundry when Im here. You guys are never here and you decide that because you come down here for one week and stay here your in charge, that you know how everything works? Well guess what you dont. Its not right at all.

You guys have no clue as to what your sending me back home into. You have no idea about the shit Ive been put through all my life. Do you understand that my mom has a new boyfriend and Im scared to go home. I mean I have no reason to judge this guy he seems nice but I dont know him. He doesnt know me. I dont want to be in a house with him. And then some kid has been staying in my room since I left. Its still my room but it doesnt feel like it anymore. Its not my room. I havent slept in that room in forever other people have been.

Then on top of all this I have to wonder where me and my boyfriend are going to stand after all this shit goes down. When I was in school we fought all the time and since Ive been home things have gotten so much better. Were barely fighting. I mean come on what the hell did I do to deserve this shit? Im so scared this is going to break us up its not even funny. Im so scared were going to be torn apart.

So right now Im really really hating life. Everything about it. I need help. I need answers. I really wish this wasnt happening because I dont want old habits to resurface as a result of this. Im just so scared.

such an old picture but it basically describes how Im feeling. My mouth is hut because I cant do anything about this. My face is surprised but you can tell Im hurting inside. Then if front of all that it says I love you because Im hoping we can last through this.

So im leaving you with this song.  

If you only knew- Shinedown 

Summer Time?

So schools over thankfully. Time to relax ,right? I dunno about that. So Im going to be working with my mom soon, need I say more lol. Its in a daycare and will look good on my resume when I apply for teaching jobs. My problem is that I have plan for how I want all of this to work out but then again I never follow any of my plans. My ideal thing would be to put away half my check each week. Then take half of whats left and put that towards things I need for school . The rest will be my in pocket money. Now for this to work I would need access to my bank account. My problem is that its a joint account with my uncle because I have a student credit line and needed a co-signer. But if I put my money in there I do not want him to see everything I am spending and stuff.  I just dont want someone to be able to watch over my every move, ya know? I think I have a pretty wise plan here but like I said I really do not want someone else seeing how my money is being spent.


As for the rest of the summer Ill basically be home , hanging out with my boyfriend and stuff like that, oh what a joy. I dont really talk to anyone much from high school anymore so when Im home I really do not have much to do.  I do talk to one of my friends but she has a full time job and soon I will too and its really hard for us to see each other. My other friend is moving to mass. so were trying to hnaout as much as possbile now but thats still very sad.


As for my photography I really want to try to do one shoot a week. Will that happen, slim chance. I dont have models. And Ive taken so many photos of the scenery of rensselaer its getting tiring. I hoping though I can steal my brother, and maybe even Joels little cousin, and Ashley most likely and get some done.

Idk how this summer will play out Im just hoping that its not as boring as the past week has been.


So on that note I leave you with a random songs by the same name but different songs and photo.
 Summertime and Summertime

Friends!

Have you ever wondered why when you make a new friend there has to be a motive behind it? Everyone thinks something about whats going on when in all actuality you really has just made a friend. And possibility someone who could become a close friend. A friend whether male or female is someone you can talk to and count on and have fun with. Friend does not mean I want to jump your bones and get in their pants, granted sometimes it is but why do we assume that? A relationship is someone your alot closer with, someone you trust wholeheartedly . There is a difference. I mean whats up with the double standard of oh you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you can not have friends of the opposite sex.

I personally have always had a close guy friend who was not my boyfriend. Its easy to take to them, and plus there not catty and dramatic like most girls. I think the judgments need to be ended. Im not just talking about though girls/guys who have partners Im talking about everything. Like when you start to hang out with someone more and all of a sudden the other friend is jealous or mad.

Life is too short to make things this complicated. Real friends are hard to come by. And when your someone like me and dont make friends easy because your nervous and have trust issues its nice when you find new friends. Is that not what Im suppose to be doing in college anyways.

This has been on my mind alot lately. I feel like in the past month or two I have began to make friendships. And I feel like every time I turn around someone has something new to say about my friendships.Im really just a person with a big heart and Im willing to open it but jeez people wonder why I dont do it often. This is why.

These are the people who stand by you no matter what happens and will always be by your side. Im sorry to my newer friends who didnt get a picture on here, it may just be I dont have a good picture of us.

Havent done this in awhile!

So I have not posted anything in awhile. Its been since like January and alot has changed since then. But still basically me, one thing though that blog about farmville down there totally not true anymore Im totally boycotting all of those stupid time sucking games. Anyways life has become something different now. It feels like Im fighting everyday to keep my head above the water. And every night before I go to sleep I feel like Im drowning when all those thoughts consume me before I actually fall asleep.School has really gotten complicated lately and its not even the work. Im doing really good in almost all my classes. But some of the people I consider "friends" are getting on my nerves but I mean really whats new. Theres only about two weeks left now though.  I honestly dont know if teaching is for me though. Its always great when your paying out your ass for something you dont even want to do. But I mean its a career. But on a brighter note Im actually making friends at school now and I dont feel like such a social failure, its nice.I just hope that these new friendships do not diminish because of the upcoming summer break. And even though me and my boyfriend went through a rough patch were actually getting better. This weekend is honestly the first weekend in a long time that I can say I enjoyed every minute with him. I remembered why I feel in love in the first place. So Idk I guess this is the end of my re-intro to me.

Peace out cub scout

Sorry

So, Im sorry I have not posted in a long time. Even though No one reads this yet. I really wanted to post everyday but life got in the way. Right now I hate life. My mom tells everyone her kids come first but lately it seems like this "guy" is coming first and I hate it. I mean really, she could have been dead. But no you update your facebook status before you call your daughter to let her know your ok. FUCK YOU! I mean really and you dont even text her (not call), text her til 5 hours later. What the hell.  Ugh  then I mean the rest of the stuff is stupid kid stuff but because I was mad about that I became mad about just about everything today. Yay me. So today was not a good day. So other than not blogging, I have been writing but thats top secret. I mean its only a story and I hope one day someone can read it as a published work but that will never happen. I have a ton of work to do for this semester, hopefully I can get through it all. Then again I always have those thoughts in my head about everything going on and I get stressed all over again. This is not very long at all but I guess Ive made my piece. I will leave you with two songs and a photo from my vacation.

Skid Row and Buckcherry.

 

Peace out cub scout!

Sammy Darling